Happy Birthday - to me

Turning 40 today. Not exactly feeling young here.

Much much going through my thoughts in the past week. After learning the not so joyful news, I've been doing my best not to think or worry about anything. But every now and then I couldn't help and let my pessimistic side come out and thinking about all the worst possible things that may happen.

I want to find my old self again. The much optimistic self at the age 20. It's a struggle to try to find my old self from 20 years ago when nothing would worry me at all. I want to find that self again, that person who thought life was so full of great possibilities, that person who didn't think twice about packing up a bag and travel on her own for months in total foreign lands. I want to find that old self who was enjoying life to the fullest.

What happened to her? What happened to me?

Physically aging does not bother me. But I'm not liking the fact that I allowed myself to feel old and fearful and pessimistic about life in the past 10 years. I know life has not gone the way I'd dreamed it would be. I'm not liking the job I do, I'm not liking many many things in life, but it's so not cool that I'm letting all of that defining my life and changing my core personality.

What is it? Is it the cynical attitudes, the sarcastic humor that is so common among the Gen X that I belong to? Could it be that the cynical view of the world out there I adopted at a younger age had eventually turned inward towards myself? And I became this jaded, old person inside, much, much older than 40.

I am promising myself, from now on, I won't let my inner self age that quickly as I had allowed it in the past 10 years. Whatever life throws at me, I will face it with a more easy going attitude, with a lighter heart. I am promising myself I will again see the brighter side of things. I should learn that, at the age of 40, yes, there is always the brighter side. I will enjoy life.

This is the birthday gift I am giving myself -
Permission To Enjoy Life.

Beauty

When I saw them I had to bring them home.





just something beautiful for the house...

Life Is Still OK

Just found out some bad news yesterday. For 2 weeks I was hoping it wouldn't be so.... but...

That's life.

I was bummed yesterday but somehow after the initial shock, I was very relieved. Paul took me out to lunch and it was very nice and it relaxed me. Then I bought myself a book as an escape, that was a pretty good idea if I may say so, I really did get into it. Two very anxious weeks were just two weeks too long. Now it's something I have to deal with and live with. I thought I was going to be sad for a long time and I was prepared for that. After Cody died last year, I'd been feeling down more often than I liked. I'd finally found peace in the last coupla months. I thought this news would just make me feel the same way again if not worse. This morning, I woke up not even thinking about it. Strangely, I am feeling OK, so much better than I thought I would be. Busy with finishing up the sweater today made me not even thinking about it all that much. Unlike what I'd expected, life is still OK.

I don't know what it all means. Well I know what I have to deal with, but I have a funny feeling that this may help me sort out my life a bit better and appreciate the people in my life. Yesterday holding Paul's hand at the beach, I just felt so loved and grateful that he is in my life.

I've been working on a simple sweater for the last week and half, and I finished it today. It didn't turned out exactly the way I wanted (kinda like life, eh) but I still like it and I still think it's pretty nice.

I just got Netflix since the summer vacation began. With all the free time I have I've been watching a lot of movies. That's also why I wanted a simple (mostly st sts) knitting so I could watch the movie more than just listening to it.
Here it is:

Pattern: My own design
Yarn: Elann Limited Edition Lana Pura
Needles: #4